You Will Break My Soul

I loved teaching. I loved it so much I stopped writing for years so I could dedicate myself to the profession. And then it broke my soul. Stole hours of “off the clock” time both physically and mentally. Cheated me of dozens of nights of sleep. Robbed me of my sanity. Literally. (Ask me about the time I was convinced I was incubating a rabies infection.)

In 2018 I left the classroom to teach reading intervention at an alternative ed online high school. It allowed me to stay in education, regain my emotional stability, and find my way back to writing. And for several years, this fulfilled me. Until it didn’t. Teaching was draining more than replensishing. I just wanted to write. My passion for public school teaching was done, usurped by my first love.

Timing, whether good or bad, is everything in life. Mesh’s company courted him with this Abu Dhabi move within the same months I realized I didn’t want to teach anymore and relocating here meant I could quite teaching.

Even better, moving here meant I could write full time.

It’s every writers’ dream. (At least I think.)

If you’ve read my blog, you know I am living that dream. Spending hours every day, four or five days a week pumping out the next great American novel while simultaneously trying to properly market and promote Second Set Chances. I LOVE IT.

And I also hate it.

I’ve been working on my first fiction manuscript for about a year now. It’s consuming me. I can’t stop thinking about this novel, its plots, the world, my characters. Is it good enough? Are there plot holes? Would so and so do this? I got 18,000 words (a contemporary fiction novel is roughly 80,000) into draft 2 and decided I could do better. I scrapped most of what I’d written and restarted.

I’m now 14,000 words into draft 2. Or is this draft 3? I’m not sure, but I am more confident with this iteration. She’s good. I think. Until imposter syndrome gets the best of me.

I’m also obsessed with my timeline. Everything in traditional publishing moves slow. For example, I signed my book contract with Vine Leaves Press in August 2023. Second Set Chances’ official publication date? April 8, 2025. So, if I can get this manuscript in shape by the end of the year and begin querying next January, how long will it take to land an agent or sign a contract with a Big 5 publisher (my goals this time around). When will I hold this book in my hands?

If I hold this book in my hands.

Because nothing in traditional publishing is guaranteed. An agent needs to deem a manuscript good enough to take on an author as a client. And then an agent needs to sell the manuscript to a publishing house. I can spend years working on this manuscript without it going anywhere.

I can go small press again, cutting out the agent middleman. But again, they would need to find the manuscript good enough to publish it. Or I could self publish.

I have options, but man, do I really want to go Big 5.

Social butterfly that I am, I’ve also been turning down social engagements because it cuts into my writing time. I don’t want to squander this opportunity, but all this alone time isn’t good for my mental health. Mesh frequently tells me to close my computer and get out, and I have been balancing that more. The urge to stay in and write is a strong one, but the pull of my new friendships, guided by my 2026 word of “balance,” has proven to be just as formidable.

Now to harmonize the rest of this full time writing life because, as it turns out, it gives me sleepless nights too.

Tuesday night, I awoke in the witching hour to pee and, ruminating on the abysmal quarterly sales report I received before bed, I was unable to go back to sleep. This Abu Dhabi move hijacked all my plans for a proper marketing and promotion campaign (there’s that timing) and, finally settled here, I’m trying to make up for it now. And it’s so hard. Buy my book. Read my book. Write a review for my book. Even this blog. You like what I write here, you’ll love Second Set Chances. Wink.

America is on fire, or more appropriately, under a deep freeze, and here I am, bitching about this incredible opportunity to write full time. How insufferable. Poor me. And I debated about deleting this entry or just not publishing it. But there are some lessons in this, so here they are, available for you to read.

Working at your dream job will break your soul. There’s no way around it. There will always be someone better than you and you will never think you’re good enough. It sucks, but I don’t think there’s any getting over that. That’s just part of being human. But you need to decide if it’s worth it.

For now, writing is. It’s really all I ever wanted to do. Even when I was obsessed with teaching, I thought about writing, always so envious of those who could say, “I wrote a book.” And I’m so proud of myself that I get to say that now too. But I want to be able to say, “I wrote these books.” So I’ll take the all consuming thoughts and the sometimes sleepless nights and the constantly comparing myself to other authors because I’m so fulfilled by what I do. It may not always be this way, but I hope it is. And when the passion stops, it’ll be time for me to stop. When classroom teaching was no longer worth the mental duress, I got out.

Working your dream job will disappoint you. I was so bummed when I got my sales report for the final 3 months of 2025. I really thought, with my uptick in marketing and promotion, the holiday season, a January Phish Mexico (beach reads!), and some really lovely Phish Chicks shout outs on our 20,000 plus strong Facebook group, that I would have had a strong sales period. Me and my stupid expectations.

Mesh, in all his wisdom, reminded me that my ultimate goal with Second Set Chances wasn’t to sell thousands of copies, but to get it traditionally published. And I did that, so it needs to be celebrated. All the wins need to be celebrated.

But what do you do about disappointments, another inevitability in life? For me, I allowed myself a day of wallow to feel my feelings. Then I journaled those feelings and came up with an action plan. What is within my control? In October 2024, I emailed with Phish Radio to see if I could host an episode of Crowd Control. Within a week, I received a response with attached instructions on how to record and a script.

I still haven’t recorded that episode.

Choosing my 5 songs proved difficult, but I was truly stymied by writing the narrative. What could I say that would get people excited about Second Set Chances, but not sound like a douchebag? My insecurities completely got in the way of this opportunity. The crushing disappointment of underwhelming sales overrode my anxieties and yesterday’s writing time was dedicated to completing my script. I emailed with Phish Radio to see if I could still guest DJ. Not a problem, they said. I plan on recording next week.

Would I have gotten the ball rolling if I hadn’t been so disheartened? I’d like to think so, but who knows how long I would have procrastinated. So while I’m still bummed, I used it to whatever advantage I could.

Anyway, that’s what I got. Ask yourself if the soul crushing is worth it. Never forget a work life balance. Manage expectations. Celebrate winning your goals. Allow yourself a wallow. Use disappointment to propel you forward.

Oh, and writing is hard, but it hasn’t given me rabies yet.